I will survive !

By the time I was 15, I pondered a lot about love, romance and relationships. My family was a disturbed family and I was mostly alone at home. My father always abused my mom and used to hit her. I couldn't take this anymore when I reached junior high school.

It was the first time I saw her. She had a beautiful long hair, she looked very innocent. I was attracted to her the very first moment and the feelings came out natural. I don't know if they were right, I don't know if this should have happened .... There were many questions appearing in front of me but I slowly started walking towards her. No matter how we are  to the outside world, but from inside everyone craves for romance and love. My imagination and attraction towards her were drawing my heart to a place which is not very normal for everyone. I slowly approached her and greeted her "Hi, you look sort of ... lost here!".

"Yeah!" she said. "Could you help me to find out my classroom? I am new here."

This is how we got introduced and turns out that she was in my class. Her name was Ashley. She was very sweet like a rose and charming. It took no time for me to get close to her and be her friend on the first day of my school. We started getting to know each other well. We took same classes, had lunch together and spent most of the time together.

Our final exams were due next week. She was behaving very differently with me. I tried to call her many times but she would never pick up her phone. I was more curious now to find out what's going on. Two days passed by and I couldn't take it anymore and I went to her home. She was very upset. Her parents were getting divorced. She never wanted to stay away from them. But few things were not in her hands. She was very happy to see me. She hugged me and cried a lot. I felt sorry for her. I just told her that she should be happy that instead of fighting with each other and physically abusing they are going to part away. This is many times better than what I saw in my childhood. She sort of understood but it was hard for her that very moment. I told her that I would come with my books next day and we should start studying seriously. She nodded her head. I felt like I should take the responsibility of her and protect her from any further damage. I don't know whether this was love, attraction or anything. But by the end of this week, I had the courage to tell myself that I am in love with Ashley!

I winked my eyes, pinched myself to make sure its not a dream. But I didn't want to say anything to her until our exams were over. On the last day of our exam, I managed to gather my guts and went near her. I kissed her on her lips and hugged her. Then I told her "Ashley, I think I am in love with you."

But she was shocked. 'What?? What's wrong with you? Do you think I am that kind of girl?".

"I just thought you were my very good friend, nothing else. I am not GAY !!! JEZZZZZZZ"

Yes, everyone that was the time I found out that I am GAY and I walked up with courage to someone in order to lead a better life.

"But I care about you. I love you and will support you throughout my life" I cried.

But alas as you might be guessing now, I was humiliated enough throughout my high school for being a gay. Well, my first love never happened. But I haven't lost hope. I know I will survive through this phase and will find a love of my life.

P.S. This post is a tribute to LGBT day !

The great american roadtrip

A road trip with family or friends is always so fun. It is a great way to tell our own story. After all it is much more fun to read rather than a typical autobiography. Recently after seeing the bollywood movie "yeh jawani hai deewani" i remember a dialogue.

Deepika - "tum apni life se kya chate ho bunny"
Ranbir - "Raftaar..."

So, I want to narrate one of my upcoming picturesque tale of the journey across the country that I am awaiting to take! After hearing and reading about lot of cross country road trip experiences me and my husband decided to take the great america road trip. America is a huge country divided into 4 parts: West coast, east coast, Midwest and south. There are around 50 states that constitutes united states. The blessing of staying in America is that anyone with a car can go out anywhere. A driver's licence is the country's main identity. While in India I remember having PAN card or ration card to be the main identity. This is the country with major freeways, rest areas and services to support road trips. We have been hearing about people traveling from east coast to west coast in a span of 15 days. So, when we got jobs in the west coast we thought why not make this move interesting and memorable !

Traveling is mostly about dreams - dreaming of mountains, valleys, landscapes, animals. This made me to imagine myself in those locations. My dream involved driving miles of journey with smile. It involved the comfort, luxury, holding hands of my husband, imagining myself in the midst of the grand canyons, or caught in the forest of yellowstone ! The day when I had entered united states I had made up my mind to visit as many states as possible and collect the memoir from that place. I also had this crazy idea to stand in front of the welcome signs of different states in USA. Everything was going to come true. I want to keep a journal with me all the time to write down the most amazing things that I experienced in that particular city/town.

So, I started to map out all the interesting  places to visit from Minneapolis to San Francisco. This is a pretty long road trip and I want to cover as many states as possible. After living here for sometime I am used to the lush greenery this state has and also Minnesota is known as land of 10,000 lakes. So, we start out from here and travel to the beautiful California.

As you can see in the maps I altered the distance and now the distance is around 3000 miles. So, for travelling such a long distance we surely need a comfortable car. After doing some research we decided to travel on an SUV. We will a Ford explorer which is the best car for trips like this. To top it off, all our person stuff was to be moved at our company expense. Plus, not to mention the perks of relocation, I can stay in whatever hotel I want and all my expenses are paid by the company. So, the journey will begin with a bigggggggggg smile.

First destination that we though is Mt. Rushmore, which is in south Dakota. I have been studying about presidents of United states and it would be an amazing experience to actually see them carved on a mountain. The distance from Minneapolis to mt. Rushmore is around 600 miles so this would be just endless driving on the roads. It is located in the black hills of south Dakota. This was the idea of Doane Robinson to draw people from all over the country to his place. It is one of the famous national monument of the united states. Four presidents who are carved on the mountain are George washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. It took 14 years to complete mount rushmore.

Our next destination would be the famous "Yellow stone national park". We definitely have to spend around 2 days to check this place out. This is one of the breath taking places in this country. Also, this is the country's first national park. This park was formed in 1872. The parks's size and its diverse national offerings would set it off from any other place in the world. Yellowstone's iconic geysers and bubbling pools of deep blue water constantly remind that the park sits on a super volcano who had massive eruptions. Park size is around 2.2 million acres, spread over northwestern Wyoming, parts of Idaho and Montana. I can only try to imagine how beautiful the scenery would be. Places like this are must visit if you live in USA. I am sure with heavy heart we need to move on with our trip.

Next stop is Denver, Colorado. The home of famous Indian actress Madhuri Dixit. I always wanted to visit Denver for the Rocky mountains. I have been studying and mapping the mountain on the chart during my school days and finally I would be visiting the place. Rocky mountains features majestic views of the hills, lakes and wild life. We have so many resources online to check the must visit places in here and not to mention we would love to see the downtown in Denver. Some funny facts about Denver is that it is the second most educated city in united states. There are around 200 mountain peaks visible from Denver. The panoramic picture would be a memorable one !

Moving on to next destination is the Arches national park. I have heard and read about this national park a lot. There are very nice hiking destinations. This national park is situated in Utah and has around 2000 natural sandstone arches. We would be very much excited to do hiking and little bit of rock climbing over here. I believe every picture taken in this place would be an eye catching one. Such is the beauty of this place. I am sure we would encounter some hiccups while hiking since during this activity we don't have any other form of entertainment than gossiping or fighting on unwanted stuff. But I would want to play some childhood games like Antakshari or screaming on top of my voice. There is abundance of wildlife in Arches and would love to take picture of the deers, mules.. but I hope not to meet Tiger or Lion. Then it would be "fun trip gone bad"

Next destination would be my favorite Grand Canyon. It has a vast history. Grand canyons are part of colorado river basins which has developed 40 million years ago. The natural curves that are seen on these mountains are formed by colorado river. Isn't it amazing to see a place which is that old. My itinerary for this place is amazing. I am planning to take an aerial tour of the Grand canyon. Since it is divided in three important rims. The northern rim, southern rim, western rim. My first destination is southern rim and with aerial tour I will be covering the northern rim as well. I am sure I will capture some breath taking pictures while flying. So, for now I am just attaching the google picture. I have plans to go for moderate hiking on the canyons. One such scenic hiking is Bright Angel trail. This is one of the steep trails in grand canyon but i am sure it would be an amazing experience. The website www.nps.gov gives complete information about any national park in the united states. So, all the database is enclosed ! The other nice trails are the grand rim trail, horse shoe trail etc.

Even if i leave grand canyon the journey is still incomplete. We will drive to grand canyon west and experience the skywalk. There is a rich cultural heritage in this western rim. For thousands of years this area has been inhabited by Hualapai tribals and other native americans who made many caves in midst of this giant rock formation. There are some bus tours that take close to these tribal living. The roads condition while driving in grand canyon is not that great. This is where we would feel happy for having a great SUV to drive on. Plus the fresh air because of the scent inside the car will bring us more close to the wilderness. Grand canyons is located in Arizona and from Minneapolis to here there will be a drastic climate condition change. This is what I like about traveling in united states. Each state is different in its own way ! Plus there is a time zone change from central time it will be the mountain time.

Winner winner, chicken dinner !

This is a line from the famous gambling movie 21. Yes, finally I will be visiting the fabulous Las vegas. From the mountains and natural beauty to the man made creations. Las Vegas represents the fulfillment of all our hidden fantasies - easy money, risk, entertaining shows, drinking on the road etc. You can be who you want to be when you are in Vegas. Also, one more quote is "What you do in Vegas, stays in Vegas". The city scape would be mesmerizing with tall and world class hotels. Slow moving trucks with billboards that advertise girls for hire, restaurants, bars and nightlife. This city is sure going to dazzle me, until my eyes would believe. For all those natural creations, we have a man made version here. If you haven't seen Eiffel tower, now is the chance to see in front of hotel Paris. Not seen the egyptian pyramids and sphynx, you didn't loose much. You can see this in front of Luxor hotel. There are so many free shows in front of these hotels and one is the musical entertainer of Mirage by our own Zakir hussain. This is a city without limits. We too plan to gamble for some amount and try our luck here.

Last but not the least, famous Los Angeles whose name I heard since my childhood. There are so many beaches here and the famous Hollywood studious. After living in the fantasy world, its time to travel back to our destination San francisco. Home of giants (baseball team). City where the famous golden gate is situated.

I hope my wish comes true and I actually enjoy my journey as described in this post.

P.S. Images are taken from google.com since I haven't visited these places yet!

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Love or arranged ... who cares??

Love is the word that excites anybody and specially if its a first love. Yes, I too have a love story which I never knew that it would turn up in this way. I was getting ready for my wedding. I was looking pretty as my Mom said, everyone was waiting for the Baraat to arrive. It was such a happy occasion for everyone ! Yes... everyone except for the Bride to be..

Flash back to few years when I was a teenage girl. I was 18, barely knew the meaning of love. There I first time saw Ashok. He was an electrician who came to repair wiring problem detected in my room. Because of this fan and tubelights were not working and that was hampering me to prepare for my 11th exams. He looked like a fresh flower blooming amidst rain drops, I felt like violins were playing around me just like they showed in SRK's film Main Hoon na. He looked at me and gave a cute smile. He kept on staring at me and repairing fan and the tubelights. I understood his silent stare and next day I found him following me in the street.

"What is all this? Why are u following me?" I asked him.

"Madam ji, what is this? I thought you were looking at me with intentions of getting closer." he said.

"What do you mean? Should I complain to my mom?" I pretended to shout at him. He got scared and I started laughing "You really felt scared??". He held my hand and proposed to me. I was up in the sky. First time someone proposed to me and I admit he was good looking. Later we exchanged our cellphone numbers and started late night text messaging. He was not much educated so I used boost around him with my fluent English and general knowledge. I started dreaming about our wedding and how I would convince and break the jinx about love marriages. Slowly, he started coming to my house on the pretext of checking light bulbs and we played silent love tunes in broad day light and in my home.

After few days he called me in the park where he proposed and he said he wants to take this relationship forward. My eyes sparkled and I asked him if he wants to suggest for marriage. He subdued and said he doesn't have proper work and can't go and ask my parents my hand. But he slowly started touching me and holding my waist. I refused this gesture and told him that I will not allow all this before marriage. He forced to kiss me to which I didn't say anything. I was truly in love with him. Slowly, our love was becoming popular in the neighborhood and one day my brother caught me red handed.

Slap! Slap! I felt like someon's slapping me so hard when I faced this humiliation in my family. "Why on this earth you found this only lonely soul for falling in love??" my mother grieved over my choice. Before I could speak in my defense my brother shouted "She won't listen to us, now we have to ground her at home and not allow her to go anywhere without our permission". My father was feeling very bad since I had ruined his reputation in the neighborhood. But our love wouldn't have stopped for anyone. I told my father "Dad, I really love Ashok. He is right now an electrician but he is going to have his own electrical shop. We will work hard and attain a status.". "But Beta, he is not even from our caste forget about the economical status" he cried. "We don't believe in morally low things like caste etc.. "

I started speaking but I was stopped immediately by my brother. He force-ably took me to my room and locked me. This brought a wave of rage inside me. I immediately took my duppatta and got it on the fan blades and tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, the fan couldn't take my weight and it fell down with a thud. Now enraged by this my family members came inside and called up a doctor.

"We need to get her married off to someone" my mom said. "Yes dad, we have no other alternative. Please talk to Jagdish kaka ( astrologer) and get her married" They all discussed without knowing what I wanted with my life. "She needs a psychiatrist." doctor said. "She is mentally very weak and you should understand her at this time." he pleaded them. But my family went to the police station and issued a summon against Ashok that he should be around 50meters distance of where I am staying. He called me up on the phone "Suman, are you mad. You tried to kill yourself!" he asked me. "Don't you dare ask me this question you fool. I love you madly. I want to marry you." I started crying. "How can I ask you to marry me? I don't have any money or business." he said. "I don't know what you are thinking but come here and rescue me. They want me to marry someone in this month." I told him.

Finally, bringing back the flash back to this day. I said yes to Akash when he came to meet me. He is an extremely brilliant guy. He has his own computer business and he is just 25yrs old. He loves me alot. The moment he met me, he fell in love with me. That's how he said yes to this arranged marriage. Now you might be wondering why I said yes to him. Because I didn't had a choice. We got married and went to Kanpur. That's where he is settled.

After two months of our marriage, he was going to Mumbai. "I wish Suman you could come with me. I will show you the Mumbai city. We will travel in local trains and enjoy mumbai rain. It will be so romantic." He told me. "I don't believe in romance. I don't like Mumbai. You can go wherever you want, but you can't take me along with you like a goat!" I gave him a sharp response. "Suman, I always treated you well. I am not subject to this kind of discrimination. I love you dear. Even though its an arranged marriage, you know how much I care for your opinion. I never had my first night with you since you were not mentally ready for this marriage. I am giving enough time to settle down and be friendly and close with me." He broke down calmly. But I don't want to give in to any emotions.

"Its very unfateful that you got married to me." I replied to him. He lost his patience and he forced me out of his house. I got my bag and hurriedly went to the railway station. I called up Ashok when I reached Delhi. I told him that we can go to a temple and secretly get married.

Ashok took me to his one room house and asked me to stay with him for couple of days until he makes arrangements. He came back only in the night and he was fully drunk. He brought a sindoor packet with him, he said that he loves me and put sindoor on my forehead. At last, my dream of love marriage came true, I was so happy but I wanted a traditional wedding with Ashok. "I want a traditional wedding, in a temple. You can call up your friends, your family. We will get married like I did last month." I told him.

"I waited for you so much Suman. You never allowed me to touch you. Now come here, you are my wife." his alcohol started speaking. "What are you saying Ashok?" I said. "You bitch, you never allowed me to touch you or kiss you. Now you want to marry me! I wanted to sleep with you and stopped myself so many times in my attempts to rape you. Now you are mine and you have to do what I say" he said. There it was, my dream crashed into million pieces. His words tore me apart. What did I do with my life? Where am I in the cross roads of my life? I left my family behind me which consisted of my parents, my brother who took care of me like a princess and got me married off to a rich and sensible guy who could have made my life heaven. But here I am ending up my life with a stupid guy who doesn't understand what love and sacrifice is and who just thinks loving a girl is getting licence for sexual assaulting her.

I wanted to find a way out of this. To my luck I saw that Ashok's main door was broken by the police and saw my hero Akash over there. "Akashhhhhhh" I ran towards him and started crying. "Look what did I do to you. I don't deserve you. I am such an idiot." I started cursing myself so bad that in that I didn't even dare to see his face. But he hugged me tightly and said "Suman, all I have is you. The day I took the 7 holy steps around the fire, I vowed myself I will protect you from all kind of people. I will love you till the end of my life. You are my queen and I don't like to see tears in your eyes." He wiped down my tears and took me away from the hell. "How did you find me?" I asked him. "Well you left your email open and I read all about you and Ashok in the email. I smelled something fishy in his replies which you never caught and tracked you here to rescue you." I found my soul back with this reply. He will be always there to protect me no matter what!

To my knowledge, marriage is an institution where you learn making sacrifices for each other, loving each other unconditionally. Who cares if its an arranged marriage or love?? Since once you marry your partner the most important thing is to hold on to each other unconditionally.

This story is written as a part of Indibloggers "Love marriage or Arranged marriage" debate. You can follow the facebook page here.

P.S. Images taken from google.

The real black tiger from RAW

After watching "Ek tha tiger" I am so much impressed by RAW and its functioning. I tried to find out about RAW and came up with information about the real black tiger of India Ravindra Kaushik. I had never knew anything about him even though he is the real hero of India. The flashback about him.. at the age of 21 he joined RAW and was sent to Pakistan as a spy. He studied LLB and later joined Pakistani army as Nabi Ahmed. He then fell in love with a Pakistani girl and married her. He got promoted to the rank of Major, he helped India by disclosing the important war strategies to Indian army. He passed on valuable information to RAW which was of great help to the Indian defence forces.

He was given the name of black tiger by then India's home minister. He spent most of his life staying away from his country, family and sacrificed his life to the service of the nation. But in 1983, Indian intelligence had sent an agent to find out about black tiger but he was caught by Pakistani intelligence agency and revealed Ravindra's actual identity. Kaushik requested help from Indian government to give shelter to him in this tough time but he was denied of any help from the Indian government. He was caught in Sialkot, where he was given death sentence. But it was converted to life term. He died in 2001 due to Asthama and TB.

When Ek tha Tiger was releasing his family sent a legal notice to the producers, claiming that the movie has striking resemblance to Kaushik's life. While director of the movie denies of any resemblance in movie's script with his life.

But I believe that this man deserves a respect and salute from all of us !!